Wednesday, November 29, 2006

PAPAL BULL

No, Really ... LOOK: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papal_bull

Xen:
This is from the Scott Adams blog (http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/) .... and it's pee-my-pants funny.
(I felt it necessary to say "pee-MY-pants" because even though the phrase generally is "pee-YOUR-pants funny", I don't know as you would agree. Or, for that matter, whether you're into that. Not that I am. I'm not. Really. Oh, forget it.)



Nearly Funny Things

"As a professional humorist, I read the news differently than you do. I’m mining it like the old guy on the beach with a metal detector. You see miles of sand and sea shells and used condoms, but I see a potential windfall of 35 cents in coins plus half an earring. That’s why my life has more meaning than yours. But my point is not to brag. I’m just saying.
The key to finding good humor fodder is that the story must be NEARLY funny without being completely funny on its own. For example, if I see a story about some spatially challenged burglar who got his head stuck in a chimney, and a stork built a nest in his ass, that’s already completely funny. There’s nothing for me to add.
What I’m looking for is a story that makes me giggle before I even know why – the potential is there but it needs some magic humor dust to make it all that it can be. I mention this because I was reading on MSNBC.com that the Pope is visiting Turkey. This is 50% funny all by itself.
Then I read that 20,000 Muslim protesters in Istanbul were chanting “Pope don’t come!” (Seriously.)
Bingo!
Keep in mind that I have not ADDED any jokes yet. It’s 99% hilarious all by itself. You can imagine several reasons why the Muslims would chant “Pope don’t come!”
1. Muslims are supportive of the Pope’s celibacy and rooting for him.2. Muslims have already locked up their sons but feel that an extra precaution is warranted.3. No one wants to clean it up.
In a crowd of 20,000 people, you have to figure they have different reasons.
I immediately imagined a second group of protesters with a modest grasp of Western slang chanting “Pope don’t shit in our woods!” It’s important to cover all the bases, chant-wise. You’d hate yourself later if the Pope went and did the one thing you forgot to chant.
I also imagine the Pope trying to craft his speeches so as to not ignite World War III. It wouldn’t take much of a gaffe – a mistranslated verb, an unclear proverb, quoting an ancient scholar who said Muslims are God’s dingleberries – this sort of slip can happen. No one is infallible.
I also wonder what the Muslims think of this man of peace who carries a scepter featuring a bearded Middle Eastern guy nailed to a cross. I’m no expert in body language and dressing for success, but I have to think it’s wise to hide your torture-themed novelty toys when you’re pursuing world peace.
I read that the president of Turkey plans to present the Pope with a COPY of the imperial order for tolerance issued by the Ottoman Sultan who seized Istanbul from Christians in 1453. Now if we ignore for the moment that you can buy one of those at the airport gift shop for $1.75, there’s also the question of what message it sends. On one hand it could mean “We Muslims mean Christians no harm.” Or it could mean “Neener neener – you have been our bitch since before Columbus was a zygote!” I think it could go either way.
Anyway, I know I feel more comfortable with the Pope in Turkey. When it comes to handling delicate matters affecting the survival of the planet, you want to send in the 79-year old German guy with a Marge Simpson hat, a history of talking directly to God, and seven decades of sperm backup. I don’t see how that could go wrong."

I've Got Rhythm! I've Got Rhythm!

Ok, as is as written in the article below, I too would expect Bush to put an abortion foe up for any sort of family planning position. It is a given. But why an anti-contraceptive person?

At least with abortion (full disclosure: I am pro-choice) the anti-abortion groups can make the argument that a life is being lost. This belief is greatly informed by what sort of religious (and scientific) beliefs that you hold or reject - but at least it is not hypocritical.

If you believe that life begins at the moment of conception, then abortion is something that you would probably not be able to support. Personally, I believe it is a right that has to be available to women. But at least I can see the thought process that would lead someone to hold an opposing view.

(Although in my opinion; being against something and being against the right of others to feel differently and thus live accordingly are two different things. Or should be.)

But with contraception, no life or even potential life is lost! To put someone who is unilaterally opposed to contraceptives in charge of the government's family planning office is ridiculous and insulting.

And I don't care if he supports the Rhythm Method. That is like putting someone who is against missiles but favors rocks and sticks in charge of the Department of Defense.

I really wish someone could explain to me what the difference is between using a latex sheath, a pill, or a thermometer, pen, and "ovulation journal" to prevent pregnancy! Why is one method acceptable, while the others are not? In all three cases the intent is to actively prevent conception by artificial means. Are pens, paper and thermometers any less artificial than drugs or latex? I just don't get it.

Or is it because condoms and oral contraceptives are a lot easier to be successful with?

(from Projo.com)

Anti-family-planning chief
01:00 AM EST on Tuesday, November 28, 2006

President Bush has made a truly inappropriate, and bizarre, choice to oversee federal family-planning programs at the Department of Health and Human Services. The new official, Eric Keroack, a gynecologist, works for a Boston-based concern that opposes birth control, except presumably such methods as the rhythm method. That goes for unmarried and married people!
The appointment recalls the appointment of Dr. W. David Hager to the Food and Drug Administration's Reproductive Health Drugs Advisory Committee. Dr. Hager opposes the prescription of contraceptions. Thus, his appointment, like that of Dr. Keroack, was an ideological statement, not a practical public-health one.
The organization whence cometh Dr. Keroack, who is now deputy assistant secretary for population affairs, promotes abstinence or "sexual purity and self-mastery." The group, A Woman's Concern, won't provide information about artificial birth control of any kind. We expect Mr. Bush to name an abortion foe to such jobs, but naming someone who opposes birth control is outrageous, except to a tiny sliver of the population with intense theological views.
The means to plan their pregnancies is women's right, and a societal good. A string of unplanned pregnancies can condemn women to a life of poverty. Dr. Keroack's appointment is a slap in the face of good public policy.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

When Good Pet Ideas Go Bad...


Ok, I am sure this Kitty Walk Outdoor Pet Enclosure was well intentioned. I can just hear some sweet cat lover musing about how nice it would be if little Boo-Boo could go outside and breathe the crisp, clean air.
Unfortunately, this particular item looks a little too much like some sort of open-pit barbecue attachment for my liking. Not to mention something light enough that a larger animal could bat it around the yard like a giant hamster ball. Not that I ever bat around hamster balls - I have nothing but the utmost respect for hamster balls and the brave hamsters that chose to explore in them. Actually, to a hamster, it must be a bit like space travel - climbing into a tiny pod, pushing the edges of their known world....
Anyway, the Kitty Walk Outdoor Pet Enclosure brings me back to a painful episode from my youth. My neighbors decided one day to take their pet rabbit from the safety of his shaded bunny hutch and place him in a large glass fish tank topped by a screen held down by a rock. They positioned the tank out in the middle of the yard so that Fluffy could get some sun.
Lovely gesture, right?
Unfortunately for Fluffy, my neighbors, and me, my 90+ pound lab happened by shortly after. Instead of seeing a beloved family pet, my dog saw a boxed lunch. She snatched the rabbit from the tank and tore down the street (with my neighbors in hot pursuit) and presented me with the dead rabbit as if it was the coolest thing ever. My neighbors naturally didn't see it quite the same, and my dog was branded a bunny killer for the rest of the summer.
So, to sum up, if you love your pets; don't leave them defenseless in glass tanks or barbecue pit attachments in the middle of the yard. Even if it is a nice, sunny day. It will not end well. Trust me.

Statistically Moronic

From today's PROJO DAILY BLOG:
Poll: Bush's approval ratings improving in R.I.
"After many months as the state most critical of President Bush’s job performance, Rhode Island no longer leads the nation in disapproval of the president, according to a SurveyUSA poll.
New Yorkers now give the president the lowest approval rating in the country, with 24 percent of voters in the Empire State rating the president favorably.
Rhode Island is tied with Massachusetts at 49th for presidential approval, with 26 percent of voters in each state approving the way the president handles his job. Last month 23 percent of Rhode Island voters approved the president's job performance, according to a SurveyUSA poll.
The polls have an error margin of about 4 percent.
The average approval rating for the president was 36 percent nationwide. The president was above 50 percent in two states, Idaho and Utah, and below 30 percent in seven states: R.I.; Mass.; N.Y.; Cal.; Conn.; Del.; and Vt. "


Xen:
OK, so what they are saying is that RI went from 23% to 26%. With a error margin of 4%. HELLO ???!! Then there is no statistical change!!! You DOLTS !!! NY is at 24% with the same error margin.

Bottom line? It doesn't matter!!!
I hate stupid reporting!


And now I must go run. There's a 97% chance I will do my usual 5 miles, with a margin of error of 96%. Idiots.

"SAVE THE LATVIANS. SAVE THE WORLD"

A PERFECT EXAMPLE OF POLITICALLY INCORRECT RANTING
Our apologies to ANY Latvian-Sympathizers out there.



Dateline CNN.com: 11/28/2006
"President Bush (speaking at the University of Latvia) says he won't pull troops out of Iraq 'before the mission is complete.' "

Xen to Sassette:
So... the great " Decider" is speaking at the University of Latvia.

No, really.

Are they KIDDING? Can't you just see a bunch of kids with gray Champion brand sweatshirts that say "U of L" all standing in the "quad" (meaning DIRT SQUARE), cheering and running their mascot (a GOAT) back and forth in front of the stage?
I mean, like, Latvia is next to ESTONIA, which I am pretty sure is known for being in Dilbert Cartoons (OK, so it's ELBONIA, but , like, whatever... that's what he meant , I know it).

Can't you see the protests at the Bush Speech and ole U of L?
Signs ... "Down with Bush ~ Borat for President" ............... that kind of thing.

And of course, there is the university seal...





Not to mention their celebration of LIGO. (see Wikipedia info & link below)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Latvia
"One of the most striking features of Latvian culture to visitors is the mid-summer festival of Ligo or Jāņi - a celebration of the summer solstice and the feast day of St. John the Baptist. Whilst ostensibly a Christian festival, its pagan roots are unmistakable. Ligo takes place every year on the night between June 23rd and 24th, the shortest night of the year. It is customary for people to go to the countryside for Ligo, traditionally wreaths of leaves and flowers are worn on the head. If a man is named Jānis (John) the wreath will be made of oak leaves. In the early evening of the 23rd, fires are lit around which people will chat, sing and dance until the early hours of the following day. It is considered lucky to jump over these fires. Cheese flavoured with caraway and a drink made from birch sap are traditional fare at Ligo firesides. Throughout the night it is not unusual to see young couples slip quietly off into the woods in search of a non-existent "fern flower"- these liaisons are not considered unseemly nor are they generally remarked upon the next day. Latvians love their crepes."


I love the part where they make only guys named Janis wear oak leaves on their head .... Ummm..whaaa?
And 'Janus' means 'John'. And part of the "tradition" is to go off into the woods and have illicit couplings...
Which is OBVIOUSLY where the term "John" comes from regarding prostitution....
Or not.

In ANY case,,, this is definitely where the leader of the free world needs to be speaking. If we don't have Latvia, the world is lost.


Sassette replies:
Exactly HOW do those last two sentences go together?

"Throughout the night it is not unusual to see young couples slip quietly off into the woods in search of a non-existent "fern flower"- these liaisons are not considered unseemly nor are they generally remarked upon the next day. Latvians love their crepes."

Hee. Crepes. Is that what we’re calling it these days? "

I guess it's because EVERYONE KNOWS that the best way to a "John's" heart is through... CREPES.

It's a well known fact.

When Ranting Doesn't Work - Mocking Will.....

Xen rants:
Read Ed Achorn 's article this AM. He kind of ticks me off lately. Though I agree that we shouldn't have the "party lever" on the ballots, it seems to me that the biggest annoyance is the simple utter DEMOCRAT-NESS of RI - and the biggest PROBLEM is voter apathy.

The little guys who wanted reform in the state assembly weren't "hurt" by the all Democrat vote as much as the STATE was hurt because so many people ran unopposed. Think of that. In a time when you can't have TWO people agree on ANYTHING, and when everyone is "special", this state has that many positions where NO ONE WANTS TO EVEN TRY TO GET ELECTED. Makes zero sense to me .

Anyway... it's just the same old, same old. My point about Achorn's article was that this was a waste of newsprint. It was better than taking the election day space and using it as a (very nice, but misplaced) tribute to a relative... but still, I don't agree with his assessment that "if you take away all straight party votes, then Chaffee would have won". He even mentions that a lot of people would have STILL voted for Whitehouse ... so right there he undermines the argument. It's just so flawed that it's a pointless argument. And there are bigger things to write about ... even if it IS totally his "opinion".
So there. It's MY opinion that I disagree. And more and more I am finding his weekly article less worth it.




Sassette Responds:
Just read the Achorn article… I find it rather meandering in its focus.

Boo-hoo-hoo Ed, your preferred party didn’t fare well. Rather than blame voter apathy, unpolled cell phone using dems, Harrah’s union donations, and straight-ticket voting; how about acknowledging that people are incredibly tired of this republican administration? We’re tired of lies, obfuscation, and rising death counts in Iraq.

You can say what you want about the evils of the straight-ticket vote and the unions – but Chaffee’s held that seat for over thirty (?) years. The fact that a beloved New England Republican with a household name got trounced is a direct reflection on the opposite of voter apathy. It shows voter bitterness with the Republican party. Chaffee has been a republican all along, and the straight-ticket option has been available for over a century – so you need to look at what was DIFFERENT this time around…. And quit yer whining, Eddie.


The Actual Article from Providence Journal Opinion Columnist Edward Achorn:
Edward Achorn: A system that promotes 'voting without thinking'
01:00 AM EST on Tuesday, November 28, 2006

THE NOV. 7 ELECTION in Rhode Island did not go the way the pollsters predicted. They had Governor Carcieri up by roughly 7 points -- in poll after poll -- and saw Sen. Lincoln Chafee dramatically closing the gap in the waning days against Sheldon Whitehouse.
The results, thus, were stunning: Mr. Whitehouse won in a cakewalk, and Mr. Carcieri very nearly got heaved out of office. Clearly, many Democratic voters whom the pollsters were unable to reach turned out at the polls. Were they cell-phone owners, difficult to poll? Were they rare or casual voters, and thus absent from the lists that form the basis for the polling of "likely" voters?
We know that Harrah's was pushing hard for its casino, and that casino supporters strongly favored Democrats. And we know that Harrah's gave the labor unions, through WorkingRI, $200,000 to help get out gambling-friendly voters. Meanwhile, many of the motivated voters across America were angry at Republicans over America's failure to halt violence in Iraq, blaming that on President Bush.
The most striking impact was a huge upsurge in the number of Rhode Island voters casting straight-party ballots -- checking off their desire to vote for the entire slate of Democrats, up and down the ballot, rather than taking the time and using their brains to weigh individual candidates.
The straight-party voting option is the legacy of 19th and 20th-Century machine politics. The political bosses did not want voters thinking independently -- they wanted them marching in lockstep, with the promise of patronage and taxpayer-funded benefits in exchange for party loyalty. Years ago, voters pulled an actual lever to punch the names of all of one party's candidates.
Fifty years ago, more than half of the states allowed straight-party voting. But in recent years, states have weaned themselves off the system, on the sensible grounds that it too strongly favors the dominant party and that voters should be encouraged to do their homework as citizens and weigh individual candidates. The straight-party system tends to devastate the minority party in down-ballot races, such as for state legislature.
"It seems pretty clear that what it was designed for is to keep people voting for a particular party without thinking about who they were voting for," Richard Niemi, a University of Rochester political-science professor, told the newspaper The Hill.
Which may be why Rhode Island is one of only 16 states still clinging to the machine legacy. (The others are Alabama, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Michigan, New Hampshire, New Mexico, North Carolina, Oklahoma, Pennsylvania, South Carolina, Texas, Utah, West Virginia and Wisconsin.) In the Ocean State, the party in power impressively has every angle covered. Our election laws are designed to help preserve and consolidate majority power, rather than encourage competitive elections.
On Nov. 7, the straight-party system worked its wonders for Rhode Island Democrats. Some 61,357 voters cast a straight-party ballot for the Democrats -- a whopping increase of more than 23,000, or about two-thirds, over the last midterm election. Only 18,424 cast straight ballots for Republicans.
That obviously gave Mr. Whitehouse a dramatic boost, and quite possibly the winning edge. Subtract the straight-party ballots, and Mr. Chafee beat Mr. Whitehouse handily. It appears that Mr. Chafee was the preference of voters who actually took the time to mark their ballots for either candidate.
Thus, one could argue the straight-party option in Rhode Island had a tremendous impact on Nov. 7, helping flip control of the Senate from the Republicans to the Democrats.
Of course, it seems likely that many -- if not most -- of those straight-party-ballot voters would have opted for the Democrat, in any case. But many might have sided with Mr. Chafee, whose last name is virtually a brand, and whose liberal values seem to represent those of most Rhode Islanders.
The people who really suffered, though, were down the ballot -- the reformers trying to bring more balance to the General Assembly. They got swept away in the flood. Many of the casual voters who went straight-ticket -- and thus returned the local incumbent to power -- probably never heard of either candidate in those races.
Interestingly, this phenomenon played out nationally. Of the 29 seats that House Republicans lost, 15 were in the 16 states with the straight-party option -- and another three races from those states could possibly flip, the Hill reported.
There are efforts underway in many of those states to change the system. Citizens groups and the out party tend to push for reform, while the party in power resists. It's not hard to understand why Republicans tend to support the reform more than Democrats. The latter party's incestuous relationship with public-employee unions gives it a ready-made get-out-the-vote machine, well-suited to encouraging people to vote the straight Democratic ticket.
In other words, don't hold your breath waiting for this reform to reach Rhode Island.

Monday, November 27, 2006

I'm Sorry, But I Just Have To Say This...

Mom,

I never told you, but I thought you were amazing.
I never told you, because your amazingness was just expected - like sunrise after night.
And it was so quiet.

It was the silent beat that ran through everyday of my life.
The raucous noise of day-to-day drowned out what you gave.
In a million ways, in little ways, in everything you did.

You were the constant hum underneath the din of our family life.
You were the thrum of the steady drum that kept our wheels turning.
You were the cards and calls and words that a better person wouldn’t have taken for granted.

But I did.

I did, and you just went on like that was the way it was supposed to be.

You expected nothing, but gave everything.
Like a woman from another time.
But you were in my time.

I wish I had not assumed everything that you gave up so easily.

But I did.

I have to hope, that somehow you knew what you were.
What you are.

You have always been smarter than me.
So I’ll trust that you know.

I could live one hundred years and never be all of the things that you were.
I could live one hundred years and never get over you being gone.

I used to think I was good at poetry.

But I’m not.

Because when it counts,
I suck.
I choke.
I fail.

Because words, and rhyme, and even iambic pentameter can’t say about you what three little letters can:

MOM.

I’ll miss you forever.

Boogie Chillin'


As the behemoth known as Drinkasaurus Rex (affectionately dubbed 'Swilly-Willie' by anthropologists) lumbers through the streets of Providence today, he sees something that he has not witnessed for many, many months: humanoids circling, skittering and sliding in a clockwise oval right in the heart of the city .... fueled by hot chocolate and Christmas songs .... and he knows that the 2006 Ice Age has begun. Fear grips his heart ~ or perhaps it's the Myocardial Infarction resulting from the Chicken Enchilada Grilled Stuffed Burritos he's been gorging himself on ~ nevertheless his heart IS gripped. Soon his regular way of life will be impossible as frigid temperatures blast this part of the planet. One question flashes through his mind over and over: "Why did I never learn to migrate???"

Coulrophobia Haiku...

clowns frighten because
the unknown lurks beneath their
cheerfully fake smiles


Coulrophobia


Coulrophobia is a mental condition concerning the fear of clowns and mime artists. It has attracted a large amount of interest in the entertainment media and on the internet, where websites have been created to specifically address the condition.

In discussions of causes of coulrophobia, sufferers seem to agree that the most fear-inducing aspect of clowns is the heavy makeup, often accompanied by the bulbous nose and weird color of hair, that conceals the wearer's identity.

Suffers sometimes acquire a fear of clowns after having a bad experience with one personally, or seeing a sinister portrayal of one in the media.
Fear of clowns is an intense fear of something that poses little or no actual danger. While adults with this fear realize that these fears are irrational, they often find that facing, or even thinking about facing, the feared situation brings on a panic attack or severe anxiety.

Symptoms tend to include: breathlessness, dizziness, excessive sweating, nausea, dry mouth, feeling sick, shaking, heart palpitations, inability to speak or think clearly, a fear of dying, becoming mad or losing control, a sensation of detachment from reality or a full blown anxiety attack.

A Path to Fame and Fortune


I've think I've found untapped concept that could be explored in the area of entrepreneurialism.
MIME KARAOKE

Now wait. Think of it. The most annoying thing about going to a karaoke bar is that 2% of those that get up are really talented, and 10% can sort of carry a tune. But the other 88% are completely delusional and make the neighborhood pets howl.
Mime's, first and foremost, are quiet.
And I know that they are the objects of ridicule, scorn and quite often, beatings - but that's nothing that a little chicken wire in front of the stage can't take care of.

They could have a "song book" with all popular "mime" exercises in them for people to pick from.
"And next, we have Gary, who will do "I'm trapped in an invisible box".

And for those that don't care, they just don't have to look.
We can play the regular music and no one will be bothered by amature screeching.

Seriously, it has possibility.