In Today's Headlines

(This morning's CNN.COM Headlines)

Authorities try to get food to storm victims, cattle - Ummm.. Why don't the hungry storm victims eat THE CATTLE??

Reports missing plane had been found prove false - OK, you either DO see a bunch of reckage or you don't. It's a big plane, dude, which is it?

Somalia's prime minister: Major fighting over - Liar.

U.S. attention may turn to bin Laden hunt - Implying that no one's been looking for this guy? We can only look for, try and execute one despot/terrorist at a time?

Iran vows to humiliate U.S. - First, they are going to make fun of the way we dress. Then they are going to completely decimate us in the sport of ...uhhh... dirt eating. And "Cave Hide & Seek" ..... It will be so embarrassing.

UFO at O'Hare? FAA blames weird weather - It was in November. What? They flew here all the way from another solar system (the closest, Alpha Proxima, is like 4 light years away - and nothing can even GO that fast - well, except light) only to hover over a major British airport and then leave? "Whoa...too busy there. Let's go home."

Rolls Royce to unveil convertible - And this is news because..... perhaps it's affordable to everyone? There's KIA, SCION and then ROLLS ROYCE.... "Hurry, the New Year's Blowout will only last until Saturday at your local Rolls dealer....MSRP doesn't include taxes or title"

Manager: Spears was asleep in club, 'not drunk' - How much do we have to not care before they stop telling everyone about this chick?

Reports: Kate Moss weds rock star Doherty - and I've never even heard of the group "Babyshambles" ... and therefore I must be so completely out of touch. I guess the overall point is that I don't understand why we are supposed to be interested in "non-news"