As a gesture of solidarity with Sassette, I feel compelled to ALSO show artistic representation of MY horrific work day today.
Just got back from a demonstration here at work. One for a new, improved, 'this will wash your car, satisfy your wife and babysit the kids" software package.
Everybody has the TOTAL answer to corporate systems integration with THEIR product. It's THE BEST!!!
Then someone always asks "How many companies has this been fully and successfully implemented in?"
And it's like watching that first spark hit the Hindenburg....
So I went to the TV Guide Listings ...
Almost all shows on the air tonight are repeats ... Oh, well.
What I found interesting was this ....
They list "NEW" in red next to every new episode that's on.
They also list everything up to date, unlike the Projo or Cox.
This means they had the President's speech on Iraq listed there....
Only there was no "NEW" indication in red next to it ....
Is that a political statement about what he's going to say?
One can only wonder ... LOL
(This morning's CNN.COM Headlines)
Authorities try to get food to storm victims, cattle - Ummm.. Why don't the hungry storm victims eat THE CATTLE??
Reports missing plane had been found prove false - OK, you either DO see a bunch of reckage or you don't. It's a big plane, dude, which is it?
Somalia's prime minister: Major fighting over - Liar.
U.S. attention may turn to bin Laden hunt - Implying that no one's been looking for this guy? We can only look for, try and execute one despot/terrorist at a time?
Iran vows to humiliate U.S. - First, they are going to make fun of the way we dress. Then they are going to completely decimate us in the sport of ...uhhh... dirt eating. And "Cave Hide & Seek" ..... It will be so embarrassing.
UFO at O'Hare? FAA blames weird weather - It was in November. What? They flew here all the way from another solar system (the closest, Alpha Proxima, is like 4 light years away - and nothing can even GO that fast - well, except light) only to hover over a major British airport and then leave? "Whoa...too busy there. Let's go home."
Rolls Royce to unveil convertible - And this is news because..... perhaps it's affordable to everyone? There's KIA, SCION and then ROLLS ROYCE.... "Hurry, the New Year's Blowout will only last until Saturday at your local Rolls dealer....MSRP doesn't include taxes or title"
Manager: Spears was asleep in club, 'not drunk' - How much do we have to not care before they stop telling everyone about this chick?
Reports: Kate Moss weds rock star Doherty - and I've never even heard of the group "Babyshambles" ... and therefore I must be so completely out of touch. I guess the overall point is that I don't understand why we are supposed to be interested in "non-news"
Upon request - a Chloe Story by Sassette
Once upon a time there was a chubby little dog named Chloe who loved to
eat.
She would eat dry food.
She would eat wet food.
She would eat treats.
She would eat scraps.
If it was something she liked, she would eat quickly in one gulp.
WHOMP!
If it was something unfamiliar, she would look at it very closely.
Then she would sniff it on every side.
Then she would bat it around.
Finally she would lie down with it between her paws and cautiously
nibble on a tiny piece.
If she liked it...
WHOMP!
If she wasn't sure, she would walk away for a bit, only to circle back
to it and try it again.
TO BE CONTINUED....
This annoying meeting came complete with a video set to what sounded an awful lot like porn music and a workbook! Because we are not adults and professionals! We are pre-schoolers (who respond to porn music, apparently)!
*ahem*
Customer Service:
Be prompt. Be nice. Be helpful.
This means you, Jackass!
Xen:
From CNN.COM~
"BURBANK, California (AP) -- Nicole Richie was arrested early Monday for investigation of driving under the influence of alcohol, authorities said.
California Highway Patrol officers took Richie, 25, into custody without incident after she failed a field sobriety test, CHP Officer Todd Workman said.
Her black Mercedes sport utility vehicle was stopped in the car pool lane of State Highway 134 when officers arrived.
Authorities said they received 911 calls about a car going the wrong way on the freeway and the car matched the description of Richie's."
=======
Amazingly, contrary to the current celebrity trend, Ms. Richie did NOT launch into any sort of racist tirade while being booked at the station. She said nothing disparaging against Jews, Blacks, gays, Hermaphrodites, women, the Greeks, Italians, or the French. Neither did she rant against dwarfs, little people, midgets, tall people, giants, people with elephantitis, mimes, clowns nor southerners.
She WAS overheard asking where Eric Estrada was, having been arrested by CHP Officers, however. She was told it was his day off. It was just easier.
In further developments, in light of Ms Richie NOT creating any kind of scene, her agent immediately quit, saying that there is no way she can manage Nicole's career if she is going to cooperate.
Sassette:
In light of the fact that Ms. Ritchie has been subsisting on booze alone in recent months (witness photo evidence below)...
Today's question:
Is this Xen prepared for his daily run in 25 degree temperature?
Or...
Is it the newest rap superstar?
Seen here without his posse (posse-less, as it were) the amazing, indisputable, incontrovertible Master of Words, the Ringmaster of Rap, the Allah of Anthem, the Vicar of Verse, the Emporer of Expression...Yea, the Overlord of Ode, the Rajah of Refrain, the Barron of Ballad, the Magnate of Melody and the Crown of Chorus ..... the indescribable...the humble...
SWILLY "B" !!!!!
Give it UP TWO TIMES !!!
..... OK, well... it was just cold out.
Building explodes in Milwaukee Beer EVERYWHERE! Perhaps it was Hop-i-cide (which is not to say a bunch of Native americans killed themselves).
Taco Bells pulls green onions in E. coli scare Like Taco Bell wasn't sickening ANYWAY (OK, really GOOD, but sickening). It's not like it's salad.
Dobbs: Our leaders are ducking reality on Iraq Lou Dobbs is SO cranky about everything "administration" now that he's hard to listen to.
Scaramella: I warned poisoned spy "Ummm... Don't eat that Taco Bell burrito ... DON'T ! I don't CARE if it's 2:00AM and we've been drinking vodka all night...DOOOON'T!!!"
Glue problems could gum up shuttle launch Well, you see, when your entire space program relies on ELSIE the ELMER's GLUE COW, you are basically screwed. "This is WALTER CRONKITE... The latest shuttle launch was scrubbed today because the RUBBER BAND on the CAPE CANAVERAL SLINGSHOT is broken."
CNNMoney: Yahoo makes management changes OK ... I got nothin'
Report: Cheney's lesbian daughter pregnant This was cruel, but great! This morning this story was being read on the radio and after they finished saying "Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter announced that she is pregnant." they cut away to a voice clip of Mr. Cheney in a previous interview saying "You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a pig."
Anti-Bush 'bat signal' ticks off neighborhood "I SOOO want to see this ... shining up against the dark night sky... What would the signal BE? The word "Decider" with a circle and slash through it? Or is it just a picture of a bat?
Oprah's lost her way, gone white, rapper says So some rapper makes what is basically a racist comment about a black woman and it's OK? Haven't we JUST had weeks of pontificating about that very double standard? It's not racism to call an idiot and idiot. By the way - I hate Oprah, but that has nothing to do with anything.
Report: Jennifer Aniston, Vince Vaughn split up OK ... Yeah. So what? Or is she going to now be seen hanging with Paris Hilton and Brittney while going 'commando"?
No, Really ... LOOK: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papal_bull
Xen:
This is from the Scott Adams blog (http://dilbertblog.typepad.com/) .... and it's pee-my-pants funny.
(I felt it necessary to say "pee-MY-pants" because even though the phrase generally is "pee-YOUR-pants funny", I don't know as you would agree. Or, for that matter, whether you're into that. Not that I am. I'm not. Really. Oh, forget it.)
Nearly Funny Things
"As a professional humorist, I read the news differently than you do. I’m mining it like the old guy on the beach with a metal detector. You see miles of sand and sea shells and used condoms, but I see a potential windfall of 35 cents in coins plus half an earring. That’s why my life has more meaning than yours. But my point is not to brag. I’m just saying.
The key to finding good humor fodder is that the story must be NEARLY funny without being completely funny on its own. For example, if I see a story about some spatially challenged burglar who got his head stuck in a chimney, and a stork built a nest in his ass, that’s already completely funny. There’s nothing for me to add.
What I’m looking for is a story that makes me giggle before I even know why – the potential is there but it needs some magic humor dust to make it all that it can be. I mention this because I was reading on MSNBC.com that the Pope is visiting Turkey. This is 50% funny all by itself.
Then I read that 20,000 Muslim protesters in Istanbul were chanting “Pope don’t come!” (Seriously.)
Bingo!
Keep in mind that I have not ADDED any jokes yet. It’s 99% hilarious all by itself. You can imagine several reasons why the Muslims would chant “Pope don’t come!”
1. Muslims are supportive of the Pope’s celibacy and rooting for him.2. Muslims have already locked up their sons but feel that an extra precaution is warranted.3. No one wants to clean it up.
In a crowd of 20,000 people, you have to figure they have different reasons.
I immediately imagined a second group of protesters with a modest grasp of Western slang chanting “Pope don’t shit in our woods!” It’s important to cover all the bases, chant-wise. You’d hate yourself later if the Pope went and did the one thing you forgot to chant.
I also imagine the Pope trying to craft his speeches so as to not ignite World War III. It wouldn’t take much of a gaffe – a mistranslated verb, an unclear proverb, quoting an ancient scholar who said Muslims are God’s dingleberries – this sort of slip can happen. No one is infallible.
I also wonder what the Muslims think of this man of peace who carries a scepter featuring a bearded Middle Eastern guy nailed to a cross. I’m no expert in body language and dressing for success, but I have to think it’s wise to hide your torture-themed novelty toys when you’re pursuing world peace.
I read that the president of Turkey plans to present the Pope with a COPY of the imperial order for tolerance issued by the Ottoman Sultan who seized Istanbul from Christians in 1453. Now if we ignore for the moment that you can buy one of those at the airport gift shop for $1.75, there’s also the question of what message it sends. On one hand it could mean “We Muslims mean Christians no harm.” Or it could mean “Neener neener – you have been our bitch since before Columbus was a zygote!” I think it could go either way.
Anyway, I know I feel more comfortable with the Pope in Turkey. When it comes to handling delicate matters affecting the survival of the planet, you want to send in the 79-year old German guy with a Marge Simpson hat, a history of talking directly to God, and seven decades of sperm backup. I don’t see how that could go wrong."
I've think I've found untapped concept that could be explored in the area of entrepreneurialism.
MIME KARAOKE
Now wait. Think of it. The most annoying thing about going to a karaoke bar is that 2% of those that get up are really talented, and 10% can sort of carry a tune. But the other 88% are completely delusional and make the neighborhood pets howl.
Mime's, first and foremost, are quiet.
And I know that they are the objects of ridicule, scorn and quite often, beatings - but that's nothing that a little chicken wire in front of the stage can't take care of.
They could have a "song book" with all popular "mime" exercises in them for people to pick from.
"And next, we have Gary, who will do "I'm trapped in an invisible box".
And for those that don't care, they just don't have to look.
We can play the regular music and no one will be bothered by amature screeching.
Seriously, it has possibility.
Tribulations I've decided that when I write my book ... wait, I mean my NOVEL ~ (the one that will make me filthy, stinkin', disgustingly rich... the one that will allow me to have servants and minions) that my main character & hero's name will be Shloemoe Shoebottom. I haven't figured out what his special tallent will be yet. Or what the story will be. But it will retail for $24.95.
